Date: 2009-09-28, 11:28PM CDT
To the Young Father of an Unruly Child At Plato’s Closet:
At first, I thought you were desperate for female attention, simply coming into Plato’s Closet to allow your 1-year-old son to constantly be underfoot, crawling about the floor, in between clothing racks, in between my legs, etc, in order to procure an innocent girl’s phone number. “Stop,” you’d playfully say to the little boy, seemingly intentionally lacking any authoritative tone. It was obnoxious and rude to allow your child to roam around the store that way; I know I almost tripped over him 3 or 4 times. But I can’t really yell at you too much – you didn’t look much older than 18.
But there is a point to this aside from your bad parenting– It was the revelation that I had in the dressing room that I must thank you for. I’ve always been one of those wait-till-marriage types, but lately, I’ve been tempted to not wait, as it would be a good 3 years before my boyfriendand I could even be married…I’ve researched birth control options, wondering what the most effective means would be.
It was there, in the dressing room, in my bra, with little Henry/Jimmy/Joey peeking up at me from the floor, when everything became clear. Your girlfriend/wife – who was apparently changing in the stall next to me – asked that you “please” watch little Timmy. Your solution was to continue to allow him to crawl around. “She’s in the black stall,” you instruct him. Naturally, little Henry doesn’t know what you mean, or the more likely option, given your lack of disciplinary skills – he doesn’t care. He continues to crawl about the floor, and I hear a girl shriek as you exclaim, “No, no, not that one!” At this point I figured either you or the Mrs. would put a firm arm around Jimmy and hold him tight, but instead, you CONTINUED to allow him to crawl about the floor, peeping up at various half naked girls.
Later on, I saw you checking out with your girlfriend/wife, holding on to the squirmy child, unsure of how to handle unruly little Tommy. Sure, hormonal birth control is 98% effective, barrier methods 85% effective… it was obvious that you fell in the either 2% or 15% that weren’t as fortunate.
And the thought of joining you in that narrow margin with a Little Susie–regardless of how amazing the passionate moment from whence she came may be–of my own is, quite frankly, terrifying. It is NOT a risk I am ready to take.
So, thank you. I will now keep my pants on until I can handle the thought of corralling a small, unruly child of my own.